Creating connection with our children.

I can’t imagine growing up these days.

Life is hard for everyone but teens and young adults, yikes.

I see the disconnection widening between kids and their parents.

The kids are struggling.

Parents feel helpless.

How do we create a space where our kids feel safe and connected to us?

When they feel stressed, do they have the tools to deal with it?

What could you teach them about handling a problem? Or do you feel the impulse to rush in and help them “solve” it?

I promise you, that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our loved ones is learning how to manage our minds.

It begins with having the confidence that we can handle whatever situation that comes our way.

Do you have that confidence as an adult? Is it deep enough that you can hold that space for your child?

It takes skill and lots of practice.

The skills we cognitively learn but the practice comes with life experiences.

Here’s the thing, we can’t rob our kids of these experiences.

Experience is how they learn about themselves and who they want to be in this world.

Our job as parents is to “guide” them through these moments…but they need to develop the skills.

Let’s look at one skill that can be super helpful when they are spinning out in drama and how you might support them.

The first step is to listen.

When we rush in with our opinions, solutions, etc. it threatens that safe space for them.

Next, help your child to focus on what they can control.

That is:

What I think.

What I feel.

What I say.

What I do.

Intellectually they may understand this concept but support them in applying it to this real-life problem. With their permission, you can ask about what they are thinking or feeling. Again, just listen. A simple response of “Mmmmmm.” Your presence is enough.

Most people focus on what’s wrong NOT on what they want.

We spend so much time and energy discussing the problem.

Now, it’s good to get it off our chest but the key is to not get stuck in the problem.

Remind them that they do have a choice. They decide what problems to have.

Next, they can ask themselves:

How do I want to feel about this?

Or

How would I need to think about this problem so that I can feel better?

Allow the conversation to flow from here…

Many of the expressions and questions I use have become mantras to help myself. The more I speak them, read them, and think about them, the more natural they become to help me solve my problems.

We all need reminders to keep our brains on track, to prevent them from defaulting to believing thoughts that do not serve us.

Help your kiddo to be introspective about what is playing out in their life.

Encourage them to focus on what IS within their control, themselves.

Support their confidence and ability to solve the problem.

And remember, your presence and managing your own mind and emotions are one of the biggest gifts you can share with them.