What are we really arguing about?
Being in a relationship, we typically fight about the same thing over and over.
Repeated attempts to deal with the problem only seem to make it worse and we usually end up feeling frustrated and exasperated. You may ask yourself, “What’s the point of even talking about this again?” Or “They just don’t get it.”
Why do we find it so difficult to communicate in our relationships?
The answer….we are human; complicated beings with brains full of history, opinions, and beliefs that most likely differ from the person we are communicating with.
Our relationships are the playing field where we practice, make mistakes, learn, and repeat until something sticks.
No relationship is immune to conflict.
Conflict doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed.
It’s more about how we manage our mind and consequently, emotions while in the depths of dispute that determine the outcome. And I mean, in the end, do we feel closer or further from one another? Feeling a greater sense of intimacy with each other can be an unexpected benefit from talking about difficult topics.
Getting in the right mindset and calming the nervous system before talking with our partner or loved one can make a world of difference.
But before we explore ways to do that (be on the lookout for future blogs about how the state of our nervous system impacts our relationships), let’s look at some key points:
Did you know that the brain can turn on the stress response by thoughts alone?
Our thoughts can take on a life of their own and begin signaling that we are in danger.
This stress taxes our nervous system, making us believe we are “threatened” and it´s harder for us to stay calm, receptive, and solution-focused.
That good old “fight or flight” kicks in and before we realize it, our emotions have taken over and are managing our communication skills (in the most ineffective way).
A perceived threat is what we need to consider here…let´s slow it down
(which takes some self-control and direction from our conscious mind).
Just so we are clear, the mind wants to be right. Our mind AND the other persons.
Byron Katie’s wisdom tells us “Defense is the first act of war.”
So, try and just listen to the other person.
That is what we all want, to be heard and understood.
Keep in mind:
There is what the other person is saying.
Then there is why they are saying it…
And what we make that mean or interpret it to mean.
Can you see how complex our brains can make this?
Sometimes the conversation may require us to listen harder.
What are they trying to communicate?
What could they possibly be thinking and feeling for them to be saying this?
Now, this is not about mind reading or trying to psychoanalyze them, rather this is about getting out of our drama. There are always two sides to the story and compassion for someone else’s struggle may be the secret sauce to diffusing an argument.
Resist the urge to be right!
Each of us is so concerned with being right and wanting to be heard that it prevents us from truly listening to what the other is saying.
We are convinced that if we just say it this way or that then they’ll finally understand us and maybe even agree with the point we are trying to make.
Remember, when emotions are high, intelligence is low.
The problems we are so busy analyzing can not be resolved within the emotion we are analyzing them in…our brains overreact, we think poorly, and we aren’t clear.
Bringing this back to the beginning…
If we are fighting about the same thing over and over again, it may be because we are trying to solve the problem based on past experiences and ineffective communication skills.
What would it be like to bring all our attention to the present moment,
be more curious and
concerned about what is going on with the other person
even more than ourselves?
You may be surprised at how this approach changes the dynamic in the relationship…
xxx alyssa