It isn´t always about us…
My husband and I do not fight, we disconnect. This time, it lasted way longer than I would have preferred and I now realize that one of the main reasons is because I made it all about me.
I broke one of don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements “Don´t take anything personally”.
In trying to “fix” the problem, I focused on myself, reflecting on what my part could be in the disconnection. The discomfort of the rift between us was hard to accept and so I kept looking for explanations which only led to me blaming myself. Of course, its important to take responsibility for our part in a rift but using it against ourselves is counterproductive and a red flag for codependent behaviors.
I had taken something that he said to me and I believed it. It was not my truth, however it was his. I could have chosen to allow it to be just that BUT I made it personal.
When we take things personally, we feel offended, we react defensively, and we then create conflicts unintentionally.
We make things a bigger deal than they are because we feel the need to be right, which oftentimes makes the other person wrong. In my case, my efforts to defend my pure intentions and prove I was a “good person” backfired because what he needed at that moment was a simple acknowledgment of how he was feeling and a little space.
It can be helpful for us to understand that each of us has our unique way of viewing the world and dealing with problems in a relationship.
Remember this the next time you are feeling challenged in a relationship.
Each of us creates a movie in our mind and we are the star of the show.
The movie is from OUR perspective…everyone else is just secondary to our role (which of course we unconsciously consider is the most important role).
Our point of view is personal to each one of us. It is nobody else’s truth, except our own.
This next idea may seem a little crazy: there is reason to question or not believe everything that our brains offer us.
Every thought we think does not have to be true. It may seem true to us in the moment BUT we can also choose whether it serves us.
It is not necessary to take everything personal that your brain offers you.
The mind will keep talking to you but you can choose whether or not to listen.
This sounds easy enough to understand but I invite you to truly reflect on this idea.
How much time and attention have you paid to what goes on up there all day?
By no means is this to be used against yourself.
On the contrary.
I like to call it being the Observer.
Once you are aware of the thoughts going on up there, you can then decide whether or not you want to believe them or not.
Are your thoughts helping or hurting your relationship?
Are your thoughts focused on repairing the disconnect? Or are they focused on the hurt or injustice you are feeling or what the other person did wrong?
Okay, let’s circle back around to the Agreement of “Don´t take anything personally”. When it comes to being in a relationship it can be helpful to remember when things go south and you want to make things right between you.
Trust yourself and energetically have your own back.
When you learn to not take anything personally, you do not need to look to others for validation.
It will be enough to trust in yourself. You are never responsible for how someone else behaves, you are only responsible for how you show up in the relationship.
When you follow your heart and consciously decide which thoughts serve you most, you will feel peace in knowing you’ve done your best.
And in any relationship, if you show up 100% and have done your best, it’s time to rest.
While you are resting, I will offer you one of my favorite thoughts “Relax, this is only a moment of imbalance between us.”
XXX alyssa