Curiosity only brings us closer.

In any relationship, there will be indifferences, arguments, and misunderstandings. In the heat of the moment, our brains and emotions may not “behave” or respond in a way that we are proud of. The majority of the time (yes, even despite years of self-help, therapy, and introspection) we react from an unconscious and often regretful place.

I wish I was better at this but I promise that I am working on it…taking a break. I much prefer to present my case and immediately solve the problem. Why the rush? My brain wants me to believe that if there is a problem or friction in the relationship then I am not safe, or the relationship is at risk of ending. When this feeling is triggered, it is a clue to slow it down because that reptilian part of the brain is what’s running the show. From that space, we aren´t going to find solve anything.

After said break, it can be helpful to adopt a mindset of curiosity. I do try and look at my part in the disconnect. One difficult question I ask myself is:

Is there any truth to what this person is saying?

If I am honest with myself, there may be an indirect answer that leads me to have a better understanding of where they are coming from.

Another helpful question can be:

Why could they be acting the way they are?

Remember your partner/person has their own experience and their unique interpretation of the problem. That goes for you, too. Although each person´s experience is not exactly “true” it is true for them.

Sometimes the good old “agree to disagree” card may need to be pulled. If that doesn´t seem like a fair solution then I invite you to look at why that isn´t an option. Remember that you have the agency to decide how you want to think about the other person and your relationship.

How important is this argument?

Does one person have to be right?

What DO you want to give importance to?

If it is each other, then perhaps giving preference to being curious about one another´s feelings is the most important focus.

XXX

alyssa